Ruminations caused by sleep deprivations...

I can't sleep.

And it's not just a 'not tired' kinda feeling, because goodness knows I am tired. It's just, for some reason, my mind has started racing backwards. I always know I'm in trouble when I get like this. Generally speaking, my mind doesn't race to the happy times, it always starts to remember people and times that weren't when I was happiest. It's not that I have loads of regrets, don't get me wrong. As a general rule, I've lived a relatively happy life. A family and a partner that continue to love me, despite, well, me being me. I've achieved a lot that I'm proud of - graduating both college and university, a selection of jobs that I have enjoyed (albeit there are ones I've enjoyed less). I've never really gone hungry, and I've met some great friends along the way and had some really good times with them. I've packed a lot in my nearly 30 years, and I still have a lot to go and a lot to look forward to.

Still...

When I think back, generally it's the mistakes I've made, the friends I've let fade away, those that I've (admittedly inadvertently) hurt and those that I've let hurt me that come flooding back. It's the feelings that generally one doesn't really want to remember, the experiences one wishes one could forget. There were a few years that I remember weren't the happiest days of my life, in fact to be honest I was pretty messed up - I didn't really know how to deal with people or relationships, and I may have hurt people without ever meaning to. I don't blame anyone or anything except myself for this, I think it really was just a learning experience. I also met some people then that I still consider friends, and I am very lucky they are still in my life.

I prefix the following with the understanding that I am doing this to make myself feel better, to perhaps get rid of some past demons that are haunting me rather than to make those that I am referring to feel better. With that said, if there are those who read this who do take this to heart, I do mean every word of it.

I know that the likelihood of these people actually reading this post being amongst those I'm addressing is ridiculously slim, but nonetheless I now put out there to anyone out there who I may have wronged in the past, to those who I have let slip out of my life without a proper goodbye, to those I may have unthinkingly offended, to those who tried to support me that I may not have thanked sincerely enough, I never meant to be an arse. If I've offended you I am truly, truly sorry. I can assure you that it really was a misunderstanding, that I was really just trying to get through from a place I don't think I really ever understood properly and, to this day, still partially don't.


Strangely enough, that does feel a lot better.

P.S. To those who are reading this who know me now, don't worry, there's nothing to fear, I'm not going to slip into a melancholy funk from which I will never escape from. I am over it, I assure you.